The Washington Post came out with a long, rather boring piece about Melania Trump and the fact that she’s no where to be found. It was the basic “Where’s Melania” piece that didn’t really tell us anything we didn’t already know.

Melania’s former top aides said there was an air of mystery to how she spent her time in the White House, something we basically knew.

“It was a mystery,” Stephanie Grisham, the former first lady’s chief of staff, told The Washington Post.

Grisham, who has since had a falling out with Melania Trump, said it was thought the first lady might have spent some of her time online shopping or reading magazines. How nice! Online shopping and reading magazines. Must be nice. Why work and help the American people when there’s an issue of Vogue to be read!

In her book, Grisham wrote that Melania did not want to issue a statement during the January 6, 2021 Capitol riot because of an ongoing photoshoot about decorative items for a potential coffee table book.

The former first lady, Grisham told The Post, didn’t understand the appeal of smaller scale events that are historically part of a presidential spouse’s public profile.

Trump didn’t “understand that something like a ribbon cutting would make people’s day and get her out in the news,” Grisham said.

The piece also discussed her decision not to join her husband in the courtroom during his legal fights and to largely stay away from early 2024 campaigning. Melania basically just doesn’t care. The legal problems are Donald’s, not hers.

Trump himself has suggested that he likes the aura that surrounds his wife. “I think part of the beauty is that mystery,” the former president recently told Megyn Kelly when asked about his wife.

But the article did have a few little tidbits that I thought were pretty funny (funny in an awful way) so let’s get to it.

One thing is that Melania isn’t missing. She just loves to stay home. During the summer she was ensconsed in Trump Tower, and the rest of the year she is at Mar-a-Lago, which she never leaves. And something that Melania really loves is that people are wondering where she is. She loves that people think she’s mysterious and are talking about her. So it’s really time we stop caring.

She also hates listening to her husband speak, where she’s stuck sitting there pretending to smile and having to act like she’s enjoying it. Also, she sounds like she just generally doesn’t like being around people. From WaPo:

“Melania has never liked politics and never enjoyed being trapped at events while he “talks and talks and she sits there and is expected to smile,” said the former Melania staffer. Plus, the staffer added, people “get creepy and invasive with her,” always trying to put their arms around her, or ask her what perfume she uses or the brand of her sunglasses.”

And for the record, Melania’s perfume is not something off the rack that you can buy at Neiman Marcus. It’s something that is made just for her, probably from some fancy perfumery in Paris, and apparently she wears a lot of it. It’s been reported that people knew Melania was about to enter a room in the White House because they could smell her strong perfume a good five to ten seconds before she actually entered the room. And she only wears that perfume…it is her scent and she doesn’t wear others.

Also, Melania just doesn’t want to be inconvenienced, and if an event will take a long time, or the travel time is considerable, she’s just not interested:

“Grisham said that it was often difficult to get Melania to agree to attend one event a week, and that she would still complain about how much time it would take to travel with her husband and how there was often no real role for her at events. The first lady would regularly just say no when the campaign would want her on the trail, and would often use as her excuse that she needed to spend more time with her son.”

The Trumps home at Trump Tower was rather large. Not the 30,000 sq. ft. Trump lied and said it was. But it’s around 12,000 sq. ft. which is still freaking huge. But at Mar-a-Lago, their living quarters are much smaller, a little less than 3,000 sq. ft. and that’s a fairly normal size of a home in the United States. Especially in newer track homes. So apparently when Melania needs to get out “she goes to the sauna and has food brought to her.”

According to the Post, campaign advisers say they expect Melania to attend a few events next year — large events where her presence is expected or where a special occasion is being celebrated. But that’s it. She just isn’t interested and wants to be left alone. And can you blame her?