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Trump, With Fake Tan, Fake Hair, Fake Teeth & Wears Shoe Lifts, Mocks Joe Biden For Having Plastic Surgery

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It takes one hell of a pair for Donald Trump to stand up in front of cameras, people, God and country to talk about how someone else looks or what that person has done to look the way they do. After all, Donald Trump makes Joe Biden look like a child born of Natalie Portman and George Clooney.

Let’s review some of the things we know and some of the rumors we’ve heard about Donald Trump. We know for a fact that he wears cheap orange makeup with such abandon that he has been seen with a quarter-inch thick line running from above his ear to his jawbone dividing white and orange. We know that Trump does something with his hair that defies quantum mechanics – if that is hair – on his otherwise egg-shaped skull. Speaking of eggs and hair, his hair is the color of a sunny-side-up yoke.

We don’t phat shame but Trump is phat as phuck. (We will make one exception). We have good reason to believe that Trump wears elevator shoes, “aka high heels,” in order to make him look 6’2 instead of 6’0, closer to his stated height of 6’3. We have been told by an Apprentice staffer that Trump wears a girdle to keep his gut in. We cannot confirm it. But we do know that Trump wears massively oversized suits and ties that drop below his mushroom, almost like he’s covering something.

He is said to wear adult “Depends.” We aren’t going to make light of that because we’re all getting older. But Trump would make fun of someone else wearing one even IF Trump was wearing one at the same time.

Trump can’t seem to control his right side at times. He sways his right leg when he walks. He made a ramp at West Point look like Hillary’s Step on Everest. He brags about passing a cognitive exam that is designed to be passed by functioning adults. His eyes often look like they’re all pupil, except on those occasions when he looks like he found the keys to the good stuff that anesthesiologists keep locked up.

IF Trump has not had plastic surgery we could only explain it by him having a fear of needles, fear of surgery, fear of people seeing him unconscious, or fear of people in masks, something.

Additionally, despite the fact that there is a pandemic going across the world that kills people Trump’s age, he proudly goes maskless because he’s just that good-looking. Or that stupid. We are going with stupid. We recall pictures of him looking at the eclipse with his naked eye which is akin to going maskless in the midst of COVID. He fckt them both up. Case closed.

So of course Trump mocked Biden tonight for wearing a mask and possibly having plastic surgery. Wearing a mask is nothing but common sense (which explains Trump’s refusal). And plastic surgery? Eh, so what? We don’t know one way or another. We only know that Trump is the last guy on earth who should be commenting on how someone looks or what they do to look that way! Trump makes RuPal look like Willie Nelson.

Please to be fcking off now.

Americans had thoughts:

Yes, “bleeding from her face” – which supports our theory that he’s just too scared to have plastic surgery or he would’ve done it.

****

Peace, y’all
Jason
[email protected] and on Twitter @MiciakZoom

Jason Miciak
meet the author

Jason Miciak is a political writer, features writer, author, and attorney. He is originally from Canada but grew up in the Pacific Northwest. He now enjoys life as a single dad raising a ridiculously-loved young girl on the beaches of the Gulf Coast. He is very much the dreamy mystic, a day without learning is a day not lived. He is passionate about his flower pots and studies philosophical science, religion, and non-mathematical principles of theoretical physics. Dogs, pizza, and love are proof that God exists. "Above all else, love one another."

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